Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Solved

israel2The Israeli-Palestinian conflict, a searing clash that has ripped the Middle East apart, cost countless lives and commanded the attention of the entire world… has been all sorted out. Six months ago, a poorly educated but eternally wise shepherd named Poses ended the conflict, MacGyver style, using only an old burqa, a rusty van, and his handy-dandy Swiss Army knife. By tilting his knife to carefully reflect the sun into the eyes of every inhabitant of the Gaza Strip, Poses managed to knock them out for a full minute, during which he sheared up the burqa to make blindfolds for his stunned people and quickly loaded them into the van. Thankfully, they were used to the tight fit.

Next, in a feat so miraculous it has had scientists questioning the validity of evolution, Poses managed to part three seas and two oceans—in what was most certainly not the most efficient route—with a little help from Somali pirates, and made a clear path to Nevada. Poses was a rational little fellow; he believed that the ancient tensions between the groups vying for the Holy Land could never be resolved, so a noble lie was in order (as it usually is). When he unpacked the van and millions spilled out, dazed and wondering where the shiny object went, Poses gripped his staff (which consisted of one very tiny, very disoriented Arab note taker) and announced that all of Israel was theirs at last. It was hot, sandy and deserted, so people couldn’t really tell the difference. There were cheers. Poses was lifted up and down on a chair for many hours while the people danced around in a circle singing loudly.

In the time since this miracle, the Palestinians have refashioned their culture dramatically, in the spirit of the location, so it seems. Tourism is on the rise, with visitors eager to purchase the vaguely Native American footwear “Mecca-sins,” and visit the Gaza Strip Club, noted for being the most densely populated bar in the world.

With nothing much left to fight for, the Palestine Liberation Organization has dropped the “er” because it was, in fact, hot, and has become the Palestine Libation Organization, coordinating the social life of the area and enabling many to finally let their hair down and, to quote, “party it up”. On the side, the organization runs the Prostitution Legality Office, and produces a popular television crime scene serial, “Persnickety Law Officers: Prompt Sinvestigation” (PLO:PS). Life is finally good for these war-torn people, and this reporter is satisfied with such a happy conclusion to a long and devastating quarrel.

*****Update as of January 2009: Recently, a number of bombs have gone off in the newly Palestinian territory causing widespread panic and disorder. The perpetrator seems to be the United States military—though they claim the detonations are part of routine testing. As a result, a territorial dispute has risen to prominence between the two ideologically conflicting groups. As it has recently been discovered that Poses is of British descent, England is once again to blame.

-MG ‘12

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