Will Sensationalist Journalism Kill Us All?

This story contains an explosive exposé of what some sources are calling “the [most shocking cover-up] in [history].”  What you are about to read may frighten you.  Reader discretion is advised.

Many Americans are completely unaware that a powerful organization, outside of any government, conducts operations on a massive scale under our very noses every day.  We refuse to acknowledge that our modern society is shaped by this sinister organization that is almost exclusively focused on destruction, death, and disaster.  We can be silent no longer, however, as this group is becoming too dangerous to ignore.  They killed Princess Diana.  They helped start the Spanish-American War.  President Bush has often tried to eliminate them, but he has never succeeded.  Who are these sinister radicals?  They are the media.

Most Americans do not see the dangers of the media’s exaggerated brand of “reporting,” but it poses a very real threat indeed.  Sensationalist journalism is a reporting style that takes arguably-factual stories and spins them in an exaggerated and entirely misleading light.  Some of the hallmarks of sensationalist journalism are a preponderance of baseless allegations, anonymous sources, and obviously provocative phrasing.

One of the most egregious abuses of journalistic integrity is the rhetorical question.  Can one not insinuate anything one wants using a question with no fear of retribution on the basis of “libel” or “lack of factual accuracy?” Do sensationalist stories peddled by sinister journalists not have the potential to cause widespread panic, uncontrollable riots, and massive casualties on a scale not seen since Hiroshima?   Is Arnold Schwarzenegger not a transvestite?  Any reporter who does this should be shot, and the organization that gives voice to such hurtful drivel should be disbanded.

Sure, your evening news anchor looks pleasant enough, but his region-neutral accent and soothing smile could hide the mind of a cold-blooded killer.  For example, an anonymous source tells Tiger Magazine that Walter Cronkite developed a taste for human flesh before his retirement.  Some say that Katie Couric has already promised to deliver the citizens of Nebraska to Beezlebub.  How long will it be before Wolf Blitzer and the best political team on the planet lead an attack on the heart of America with an unstoppable army of holograms?  Can anyone stop them?  Will we realize the threat before it is too late?

The situation is particularly bad here in the United States.  When the major news networks announced who our next president would be on election night, they took a bold step towards open world domination. President Bush courageously fought the media and silenced them as much as he was able, but President-appointee Barack Obama has even publicly stated that he supports the “free press.”  The media may now have such total control that they will no longer even bother to maintain the façade of an independent American government.  Some governments, however, have made substantial progress in the face of the media onslaught.  Tiger Magazine is proud to salute the efforts of such countries as China and Russia in fighting the ugly spectre of a free press. May we follow their majestic example in the years to come.

Despite the overwhelming evidence against them, some people still doubt the malice of the media.  If you still have doubts, here are a few points to consider: every time there is a murder, who is there?  The media.  If there is a train wreck, who is there? The media.  Natural disasters?  The media.  Coincidence?  You decide.

-JRV ’12

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