Earlier this month those communists in charge at the esteemed institution of Columbia University (not the real communists in charge of the real Colombia) chose to invite world-renowned freedom-fighter Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to speak. Ahmadinejad, despite all his worldly ways, does not speak English, and instead chose to communicate in his native tongue of pure, unadulterated Iranian. Both parties scrambled to find a translator, but all refused the job, fearing retribution from the easily angered Ahmadinejad.
All that, is except for one: Frank Lingue.
Renowned investigative journal Tiger Magazine proudly presents this account of the original words delivered by Colombia’s President, Mr. Lee Bollinger, and the Supreme Almighty Leader of Iran, King of the Playas and Highest Pimp of the Hos, the coolest cat east of the Euphrates, and living proof that sometimes that twain shall meet, the man from the land of Omar Khayyam, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Bollinger: President Ahmadinejad, you sir are a demagogue, a tyrant, and proof that totalitarianism still exists in the world.
Translation by Frank Lingue: ALL PRAISE THE GLORIOUS AND POWERFUL AHMADINEJAD!!! Let your country be a shining example to the rest of the world of how a proper government should run!
B: Your inability to accept the disastrous consequences that you have wrought upon your country has set the Middle East back by centuries.
Translation: ALL PRAISE THE SUPREME LEADER OF IRAN AND OF SHIAS THROUGHOUT THE WORLD. We beseech thee wise and powerful Ahmadinejad, may you please come and liberate our country from the evil Bush regime.
B: Your denial of the holocaust is an affront to humanity!
Translation (To Ahmadinejad): He wasn’t talking to you about that one.
B: The whole world desires that I insult you. I only wish I could do better.
Translator: O Ahmadinejad, I have been trying to look like Jake Gyllenhaal ever since I saw Bubble Boy. If only I could have your stunning looks.
(Ahmadinejad approaches the stage and Frank Lingue begins translating Ahmadinejad’s speech to the audience.)
Ahmadinejad (to translator): I give a pittance of recognition to all of you inferior weaklings. Tremble in fear of my power!
Translator (to audience): Warmest greetings from the great nation of Iran to the great nation of Columbia!
Ahmadinejad: To all those who declare that I am producing a nuclear weapon. I have only one thing to say: you’re right! All weapon systems will be functional in five months!
Translator: To all those who declare that I am producing nuclear weapons. I have only one thing to say: I would never do such a thing. No, no, not in five months errr, five years err, ever. I meant never. I would never promote the creation of nuclear weapons in a secret facility 30 km south of Tehran.
Ahmadinejad: Iranian missiles will rain down on your head, showering your cities with pain, suffering, and facial hair!
Translator: Iran wishes to shower your nation with gifts and flowers.
Ahmadinejad: I have declared your army and your Central Intuition Agency to be terrorist organizations. I will eliminate all terrorist organizations!
Translator: I will eliminate all terrorist organizations!
Ahmadinejad: And as for your Mr. Bollinger, you will never look like Jake Gyllenhaal! Not Jake from Bubble Boy, not Jake as Donnie, and never the heroic Jake of the true story, The Day After Tomorrow. I use only the highest quality of Iranian shampoo. All those secret trucks rolling over the border are not smuggling in nuclear weapons, we use FedEx for that, they are smuggling in Pantene Pro-V. That is why my beard is so smooth, just like that of Omar Khayyam.
Translator: Thank you all for inviting me to speak here today. My presence has brought great glory upon your institution.