We, at the Princeton Undergraduate Admissions Office, are delighted to receive your application for Undergraduate Admission. Around this time of year we receive more than a handful of applications, so please bear with us through our completely objective selection process. In the meantime, let us bring to your attention some new additions to Princeton, most importantly the new website for Undergraduate Admissions and Financial Aid. We know that is all you care about right now and won’t kid ourselves otherwise.
This campus is a very diverse place. Before you click on the undergraduate admissions link, however, please notice the lovely snapshot of Princeton on the main website. We always are pleasantly surprised how good it looks. Our cameraman manages to find that one angle that agrees with the lighting while concealing some sort of construction. He says because at Princeton he did not major in science; so he knows how to make “beauty out of the grotesque.” We were just glad that we could give him a job that did not oppose the very seat of his moral conscience. God bless him.
In addition, the Undergraduate Admissions website is very representative of our campus. We have recently revamped it to include more pictures of people sitting around doing nothing. We believe it is the mission of every university to educate its students on how to look important while doing nothing. We would like you to please notice that the picture of the abstract dance on the Undergraduate Admissions website is, in fact, a different picture from the other very similar ones in the information packets. This picture in contrast to the others you have already seen, not only includes the arm of the person on the very right but also her entire face. We are very proud of this startling but subtle difference.
Let us re-articulate our delight at your application to America’s finest university, Princeton. We cannot imagine a better way for you to have spent $65 or 2000 hours of your time. As you consider where to go this fall, please remember that we have been called one of the leading institutions of higher learning. Not only because our science departments are cutting edge, but also our humanities departments are not that dull either. In addition, we are filthy rich, and if you play your cards right, we can give you some of that money. We wish you the best of luck in your applications. You will hear from us shortly, unless you don’t, but if you do, please know that we print everything on recycled paper.
Yours truly,
Beelzebub
Princeton Undergraduate Admissions Office