Things We Never Learned Freshman Week But We Wish We Had

Tiger Magazine likes to look out for all of the incoming Freshmen from year to year. We provide a service similar to that you get first from the “Prince” in that God-awful packet that hocks everything from water (a rip-off) to UStore memberships (premium, #1, super-good, buy!). It’s not that the Tiger takes issue with the Prince’s journalistic abilities… well, actually we do. We’ve known terriers that were better journalists than most of the Prince’s staff writers. Oh, and the fact that they continue to publish our illustrious Editor-in-Chief’s Letters to the Editor, which usually tie such wonderful subjects together as guns and unborn babies, or sketchy grad students and abortion, proves the sheer lack of standards of our beloved daily rag. But let us not get off track, freshmen friends. You are entering a magical and mystical world the likes of which we doubt you have seen since your parent or teacher handed you a copy of “What’s Happening to My Body For Boys/Girls” (circle your sex — no matter how transgendered you are, if your passport says “female” you can’t avoid the curse of Eve. What? We’re just saying.) Without further words that will most certainly get us in trouble with some student organizations, we will get to our bullet-points.

  • Everything, and we mean everything you learned on Alcohol Edu is a lie. Alcohol makes you run faster, jump higher, play better alcohol-related games, write better humor articles, make love like Casanova, and even dance better. Amazing! And there are no side effects. Most likely you’ll feel bad after a late night (or a late afternoon) of drinking. That’s not the alcohol– it’s the spirits of dead aliens from 75 million (or is it billion?) years ago polluting your thetan (soul).
  • Getting passes to eating clubs is rarely worth the expenditure of energy, humiliation, talent, and time. Unless you are a social whore. Then have at it. We’ll just be at a better club with better music drinking colder beer and more often than not listening to one of the best bands in music today. So go ahead, hike up your skirt, pop your collar, and get ready for action. We suggest lip balm. Sucking that much social cock is bound to chap your lips. And the watery beer won’t help to wash the humiliation away.
  • Your roommate masturbates while you’re asleep. Or while you’re at the gym. Here’s a way to find out that we are correct. Say, “I’m going to the gym,” and come back ten minutes later. Cover eyes, unless you’re into it.
  • She doesn’t love you, but it is your baby. Alternatively, he doesn’t love you, but his father has a political career that an out-of-wedlock baby would destroy. Thank God the next President of the United States, Rudy Giuliani, supports your right to choose.
  • Hoagie Haven is the best place to eat in Princeton, but don’t you dare ever order the turkey sub. You should have gone to Yale, loser.
  • You go to the “number one” university in the country, so act like it. For example, read an assignment once in awhile. If you are a recruited athlete, be quiet in class. (Similarly, don’t start an on-campus “fashion, arts, and entertainment” magazine that makes death enviable to the prospect of living in the same world as the magazine. Don’t know what we’re talking about? “Oh So Fresh.” Learn to hate anyone associated with it… including Ebay and its associated holdings.) Also, try dressing like you know how to button a pair of pants and/or can zip up a skirt. Occasionally maybe button a shirt, too. We hear chimpanzees can do it, and it’s just embarrassing to know that that means UPenn is more presentable than we.
  • Learn to hide your real feelings about political issues, people, and even music. This will make your life much easier and more fun. On the downside, it feels like a werewolf is destroying a Costco in your stomach.
  • Stay away from anyone over three years older than you, including students who have taken a “year off.” They’re like Barbies and Sponge Bob Square Pants toys made in China: fun to lick, but full of dangerous lead that will probably make you go insane. Not in reality, though.
  • Learn what figures of speech are.
  • Bullet points, when used properly, can go a long way. Think about it. What is this article but an introduction with a list of bullet points? French oral presentation? Bullet points. Problem set for Bridges for Baboons or Stars for Stoners? Bullet points. Reasons why you want to break up with the boy you’ve been dating since high school? Bullet pointed e-mail. Seriously, when you become I-bankers or consultants all you’ll be doing is giving bullet pointed presentations, so you may as well learn now.
  • Take another language. Because we don’t care if you got a “five” on your AP Spanish exam; Spanish isn’t a language and the AP is easier than the jail time Lindsay Lohan is going to serve. French is not a language either. In fact, nothing they teach in high school is a real foreign language. Real languages are hard. Korean, Modern Greek, Armenian, or Polish, anyone?
  • Whatever anyone says, don’t get involved. Be as self-absorbed as possible. Do one club, one job, and have fewer friends than you do phalanges. Tiger Magazine is your one club.

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