Princetonian Summer Experiences

We at Tiger need hardly point out the value of being a Princeton student. As America’s future political leaders, captains of industry, and superpimps, we are expected to use our valuable summer vacations “in the nation’s service.” Tiger decided to ask a few students how they decided to spend their summer.

With many students busy trying to get a head start on their future careers, work is a popular choice. John Burkenshire III worked at Morgan Stanley, helping to, in his own words, “maximize clients’ returns through the capitalization of market fluctuations as well as facilitate the means by which they can employ their as yet untapped and underutilized resources in new and innovative ways. What exactly this means, I’m not quite sure, but it sounds impressive and man did I bank some major bank this summer! I’m gonna buy a Beamer! Hells yeah!”

Other students used their time off to see the world and broaden their cultural horizons and understandings. Phillip Athertonthorpe, a history major from Great Neck, Long Island, went on a safari in Africa. “My party departed from the upper Zambezi in July and traversed the savanna for three weeks. Beautiful country.” Stopping to ponder and puff on his cigar and sip on some cognac, he continued “I really connected with nature; there’s nothing so striking as a black rhino grazing at dawn– magnificent creatures. I got a sweet necklace made out its horn so I will always remember that moment. Pretty nice bling isn’t it? One thing you don’t realize when you think about Africa is how cheap everything is. I would recommend it for anyone on a budget. I was able to hire a train of locals as menservants for a pack of Juicy Fruit and three beaded necklaces.”

Rising sophomore, Jane Swift, had a more relaxed summer. “I didn’t really do much,” she said. “All I did was volunteer at a battered women’s clinic in Mexico, where I adopted five orphans. I mean, I was only working 12 hours a day and had plenty of time to spend taking care of them. I’ve written my thesis about the experience and it’s going to be published by Random House this spring, then featured by Oprah’s Book Club.”

When asked about students’ summers, Dean Malkiel replied, “With such an amazing collection of supernaturally ordained individuals with a wealth of opportunities available to them, I’m sure that they have used their time to stay out of their parents’ hair. Lord knows we’re glad to get rid of them. Really, have you ever spent more than fifty minutes with these people? Disgusting.”

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