Dear Roommate from Freshman Year,

Greetings! How was your summer? I had a wonderful time at home with my family and friends thousands and thousands of miles away from you.

Tragically, summer comes to an end as we prepare to return to campus. I am very excited to go back to Princeton and hang out with my friends from last year. I expect sophomore year to be way better than freshman year. Why? Mostly because I don’t have to live with your intolerable presence this year. I look forward to sleeping a full night without having to block out your watching TV until 3 am or snoring louder than my St. Bernard, Joseph R. Wuggles.

This year, my roommate cleans up after himself, which is fan-freakin’-tastic considering you used to leave leftover pizza in a box on the floor… for weeks. And, he listens to music that I too enjoy, as opposed to your trashy Nordic death metal that was so terrible it made me want to kill baby manatees.

Maybe we’ll run into each other this year. I mean, campus isn’t that big, and we still have to eat in the same dining hall. If that situation should arise, please don’t smile or say ‘hi’ because I’ll be using every ounce of my restraint not to vomit on your hideous face. And I’d prefer if people didn’t think we were friends (or even acquaintances). And I really hope to not have to see you in lecture or precept, especially after I made such a big effort to enroll in classes you would never choose.

I don’t want this to get blown out of proportion, but if you ever want to get in my face or pick a fight with me, I will tell everyone how you used to masturbate in the common room: Yeah, I noticed. You thought you were sneaky, but no, I saw.

Regards,

I hate you, you jerkface

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