For our freshman issue, Tiger Magazine is proud to present a letter written by President Shirley Tilghman addressing all the new freshmen! Unfortunately, she sent us her rough copy with the original edits, so please bear with us and simply skip over the crossed-out words:
Dear saps fools future donors underlings students of the Class of 2011,
Welcome to this fine university! By now, I’m sure you’ve become acquainted with your shitty fabulous dorms and uptight snobbish insane unique classmates!
I’m writing to tell you that it only gets worse better! Princeton has a lot to offer besides academics, like clubs, performance groups, sports, and a wide array of crap splendid publications. In one semester you could join a political club which no one cares about, sing at an arch-sing which no one will attend, run in a track meet which no one will watch, and write jokes for the humor magazine which no one will read. Indeed, you’ll find that there’s something for everyone on this campus.
For all you Jewish Chinese Indian Pathetic Geek highly motivated students, you will certainly find our academic departments fully suited to meet your high expectations so long as you don’t venture out of the science, math, economics and engineering-related departments, and you will also find that they will challenge you until you cry unless your parents donate to the school until you become a depressed suicidal maniacal whiny Machiavellian better student and person.
As for the rest of you white people dumbasses Woody Woo majors undeserving legacies tools students, I’m sure you’ll find our academics to be way out of your league no really, God help you just go ahead and drop out now easy if your parents are frequent donors thought-provoking. I guarantee that our professors will destroy your self-esteem motivate you and that our classes will make you want to blow your brains out open up your mind.
But don’t get the right wrong impression: we don’t want you to hang yourselves because of get hung up on academics. After all, we don’t believe in ranking our students except for the quintile system or pressuring them into over-working themselves to get an A except for grade deflation or even making them feel like they’re all in competition with each other except for the quintile system and grade deflation.
So really, there’s no need to spend all your time studying because you’re going to fail anyway! Go out and experience campus life, and when you do so, keep in mind that there’s absolutely nothing relatively nothing very little plenty to do on campus besides partying at the eating clubs. The university has in fact done jack shit quite a bit to provide alternatives to the events on the street, like… well, I got nothing shouldn’t ruin the disappointment surprise, since finding all the mind-numbingly boring fun things to do is half the misery fun!
And if you have any questions or problems, feel free to go to hell ask someone else wallow in your insecurities until you finally crack send me an e-mail with the subject “PLEASE HELP ME PRESIDENT TILGHMAN” so I can easily find and delete it quickly respond to your petty insignificant whiny stupid urgent problem. After all, I’m the President, and my main goal is to take your money make your lives miserable crush your dreams pay off US News & World Report kill the weak students and devour their souls help you.
President of Harvard Princeton University