In a Google Press Conference last week, CEO Eric Schmidt unveiled the latest Google software and products coming out over the next year: innovative business programs, a faster and more accurate search engine, and complete domination of the human race.
The announcement sparked a slew of debates worldwide and appears to affect every part of society. Even soccer moms like Linda Taylor have taken notice. “I’m really shocked,” Linda said, “Is Google really going to challenge Microsoft Office, a staple of every workplace and the bane of competitive market practices?” She also felt uneasy about a Google-run world dictatorship. “I like Google and all, but it doesn’t really understand my needs; every time I search for something my results are always riddled with obscure adult sites about a poor Swedish maid and her trustworthy but way-too-enthusiastic horse. Amazon.com, now there’s a dictator that knows what I like!”
Still, she felt relieved at the announcement. “As a mother of three with plenty on my mind already, the last thing I want is another decision. How should I know what’s best for me? Microsoft? Apple? Dell? IBM? Self-determination? Fascism? Mormonism? I can’t make such tough decisions, not with my busy schedule, so I’m glad Google went ahead and made them all for me.”
The plan is an extension of last year’s modest agenda that aimed to make Google the best search engine around, produce new Google programs, and take over South America. “We’ve made a lot of progress since then,” Schmidt said. “Google is now synonymous with online searches. New programs like Gmail and GoogleMaps have really taken off. And, thanks to Froogle, the Colombian drug trade has become much more profitable. It was heartwarming to see cartels reach the global market without having to resort to sketchy middlemen, and it is just as fulfilling to see buyers use Google Checkout to save an additional 20% off. Success stories like this are why Google started its global campaign.” He also mentioned the many poor villages that used to lack clean and running water. Now, thanks to Google, those villages still don’t have a good water supply, but at least they have something much better: free wireless internet. “It’s like the entire continent is one large Ethernet cable!” he boasted. “Shame they don’t have computers, though.”
Schmidt credits this success to the determination and success of Google’s employees. “We have a unique policy here at Google, and thrive on principles like ‘You can make money without doing evil,’ ‘You can be serious without a suit,’ and ‘It’s only a matter of time before we own you and your family.’ Anyone who joins us never leaves, partially because if they do we threaten to blackmail them by sending their families a list of recently visited websites, but also because they know we monitor them 24/7 using GoogleEarth, and most importantly because we treat them very well. We might not pay the most, but we do have a lot of perks, like that one time we were giving islands in and around Hawaii (now “GoogleState”) as Christmas bonuses.”
Schmidt also believes that the strength of Google products is what drives the impending new world order. “We’ve been preparing for world domination since day one. We specialize in supplying the two essential things in life: knowledge and pornography. Without either, the world would just fall apart,” Schmidt said. “Now that we control the flow of both, we pretty much control everything. GoogleEarth was our way of calling dibs on the planet. Double-stamped. Sorry, Bill Gates, no take-backs, and don’t you dare try to triple-stamp a double-stamp. And no titty twisters (purple nurples implied therein). We now own Earth -to be renamed GooglePlanet.” When asked about how Google managed to acquire the planet, he said that everything was arranged via “a guy we met through David Bowie.”
Competition is already scrambling to challenge Google’s supremacy. Another major contender in the world takeover market, Apple with its seductively easy-to-use platform and cheery/hypnotizing ad campaign has unleashed the new ‘iRevolution’ platform, which combines Socialist principles with the new hit single from The Strokes. The revolution was picking up a lot of steam until days later, Apple announced the release of the new and improved iRevolution 2.0; it holds so much more ideology that it makes anyone with iRevolution 1.0 look stupid. The third generation of the ‘iRev’ will probably come out right after you give in to peer pressure and shell out $300 to buy iRev 2.0. Microsoft also tried to enter the battle with a new version of Windows Vista, but a 12-year old from Utah hacked into their infrastructure and dismantled the entire company in the name of “The Underground Linux Union.”
A coalition of smaller software companies tried to sue Google only to find that President Bush sold the Judicial Branch, as well as most of the House, on eBay. “Who needs them?” the President commented, “They were only getting in the way, them and their damn activist judges.” The buyer of the courts, JxH14593, declined to comment, but his eBay profile describes him as a “collector of judicial systems,” and he also has a 97.9% consumer satisfaction rating.
Schmidt dismisses these resistance movements as “minor bugs to be worked out in later versions of GooglePlanet.” He admits that the only possible threat might be Apple, but they can be handled by eliminating the letter ‘i’ from the English language, a step Google is prepared to take if necessary.
In the meantime, Google is focusing on moving beyond world domination. “We’ve already started production on GoogleSolarSystem,” Schmidt explained, “which is working quite well. Of course, there were some initial complaints from the Plutonians about rights and privacy and all that crap, but we have since had that problem…permanently eliminated. Anyway, things are going smoothly now.” As for the near future, Schmidt says to watch out for GoogleSoul, which will play a vital role in enslaving the human race. “Why use your own, unreliable, outdated soul,” Schmidt reasoned, “when you can have a free, shiny, new GoogleSoul that can give you up-to-the-minute news and movie times?”