Forasmuch as many hath taken in hand, this season, to set forth in order a declaration of the events which occurred in the meeting halls of the Tower Club, it seemed good to me also, being from the beginning an eyewitness and having had perfect understanding of all these things from the very first, to write these things unto you, most excellent reader.
Therefore here is what transpired at the bicker session of Jesus, whom God sent to the class of ’09.
Tower Member A: So who should we take? Barry or that Jesus guy?
But the officers of the Jews had persuaded the multitude that they should ask for Barry and hose Jesus.
Member B: That Jesus guy is just boring.
Member A: Hey hey, keep it positive. Anyone got anything positive to say?
Now there was one man, Jude, who was not very well known or very well liked in the club. No one knew how or when he has bickered, but somehow it had happened. And the Devil has come unto Jude and possesed him. There was a bickering sophomore girl, who was universally disliked, but hath smiled at him once, and had convinced him in that brief moment that she would give him a chance. The officers of the Jews offered to accept the girl, and offer him thirty extra passes as well, if Jude would utter the shattering, fatal declaration:
Jude: “Jesus . . . yeah. He’s a . . . he’s a nice guy.”
Maggie had the courage to speak up for him after this death-blow, but although everyone enjoyed having her in the club, none of them respected her, for she had a reputation as a slut. Some insulted her saying she had slept with the man called Christ.
Then the officers brought many false witnesses to offer bland and emotionless compliments about Jesus, and the matter was settled. As the members walked out of the meeting room, they mocked him outrageously.
Now Peter sat just outside the meeting room, and a damsel came unto him saying:
You’re friends with that kid aren’t you?
Peter: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
He walked over to the window, but another maid saw him and said to those sitting with her: He was in Forbes with Jesus.
Peter: I told you, I don’t know the guy.
After a while, came unto him they that stood by, and said to him, You’re definitely from Forbes. You can tell from the accent.
Peter: Fuck you, I don’t know the guy.
And immediately the cock crowed.
The servants of the Jewish officers went out to deliver their messages. And there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth.
Now one of the members of Tower, the Jew, Jude, walked over to Jesus’ room to present to him the poor tidings.
Jude: Look, Jesus. I’m your best friend. That why I’ve come here to hose you.
Jesus: To this evil generation no sign shall be given but the sign of the whale.
Jude: Yeah, right. I know. That totally sucks. But I just wanted to tell you that the process has nothing to do with you.
Jesus: Soon the son of Man will arrive on the clouds of Heaven to judge the quick and the dead.
Jude: Look dude, this isn’t easy for me either, and you’re not helping. Didn’t you say “Judge not, lest ye be judged?”
Jesus: Never quote my own words back at me. I hate that, saith the Lord.
Jude: I’m just saying I did all I could.
Jesus: Hey Jude, don’t let me down.
Jude: You used that at the bicker party. And it’s still not funny.
[Later that night, Jude returned to the officers after finding out the sophomore girl had no interest in him whatsoever. He had repented of what he had done and asked them to accept the one called Christ. They said unto him, “What is that to us? He threw down his passes at their feet and went and hanged himself.*]
And behold, three days later, two Tower members were walking on the road to the Haven, discussing the events that had come to pass, when Jesus himself drew near, and went with them. But their eyes were covered and they did not know him.
Jesus: What manner of communications are these that ye have one to another as ye walk?
Tower Member A: You haven’t caught up on all the bicker gossip?
Tower Member B: There was some hilarious goings on this year.
Jesus: Do ye still not know me?
Tower Member B [suddenly recognizing him]: Are you that . . . Jeremy, right?
Tower Member A: Right. Sorry about that man, it’s rough. Good things were said about you, I don’t really know what happened. Many are called and few are chosen, I guess. I heard you joined Colonial, how’s that going for you?
Jesus: There are fewer Jews. But many members quote my words back at me, and this gets old rather quickly. But as the prophets say: “Always look on the bright side of life.”
*Others say that he only socially ‘hanged himself’ and went independent, cooking by himself in a windowless chamber in Lockhart.