All this fuss about the eating clubs is getting on my nerves. People are really starting to lose focus. Let’s not miss the Big Picture here, guys: the University exists to support the eating clubs and not the other way around. Besides, eating clubs are the reason we came to Princeton in the first place. Like our fathers and grandfathers. Forget Shakespeare. A dive into a tub of pudding and Crisco, hosing your teammate’s ex-girlfriend — that’s what higher education’s all about!
And enough of this “diversity” chatter. This is an issue that Princeton’s got right: Diversity doesn’t mean people of different backgrounds actually interacting with each other. It just means people of different backgrounds in adjacent mansions on Prospect Street. The new Fields Club included. The elite get waited on in “exclusive” clubs where a little networking will do a lot more for your job prospects than reading Hume. And the proletariat cook on hot plates somewhere. Yes, I’m aware that a disproportionate number of “independents” are international students and so on. If you have any doubt about the status of these folks, just look how the University treats them — once the only supermarket within walking distance shuts down, they won’t even have a place to buy their food. How about arming those independents so they can hunt some of those campus squirrels for dinner? Then we’d be solving two problems at once.
And let’s stop being apologetic about being exclusive and selective. After all, country clubs are exclusive. That Woodrow Wilson business about forming “unchosen contacts” outside the classroom is a bunch of liberal propaganda. This isn’t a college, it’s a set of clubs, surrounded by a lot of nice grounds maintained by a nearby non-profit. And as for the theory that our social “stratification” loses potential applicants, well, that’s also crap. I am an expert in crap detection — I am an Orange Key guide. Have been for years. I can dodge bicker questions like bullets. And if applicants start asking why our system isn’t inclusive of all of our students, I just hose them right on the spot and point them to New Haven.
The response to my last column on Pressure at Princeton was so overwhelming, we had to turn away submissions for our new April Tools issue. Somehow we struck such a resonant cord, that lines of new staffers formed outside our spacious new offices at the Woodrow Wilson School. I am also pleased to announce that starting with this issue, Tiger admission will require a photo in the new Tiger Costume shown on our cover. And yes, we will be changing our logo to: “The Wise Man Knows Himself to be a Tool.”
Princeton Tiger Magazine