The Freshman Guide to Spring Semester

How did you spend your freshman fall?

A lucky few, that handful of the bright and the motivated (and lame), have managed to juggle your classes and plethora of activities. The rest of you stopped going to lecture for one or more classes the third week of school? Think Firestone is a tire? Have at least once woken up with no recollection of the previous night?…In someone else’s bed?…Not knowing where your pants are? Have played or watched over six hours of television and/or video games? Today? Know quotes from The Office or how to perfectly solo “Freebird” on Guitar Hero 2, but were completely lost in precept? In fact, did not know or possess a copy of the reading of said precept? Facebook? Don’t even finish that sentence.

Never fear. Those grades don’t matter in the real world! You went to Princeton, and that’s all that matters for most jobs.

But you should probably get your shit together, at least to keep your parents shelling out cash to keep you at Princeton. Let’s look over some lessons we learned last semester. Attention, frosh!

  1. Lectures are essential!Not only for that whole, like, intellectual curiosity blah blah, but because they are a HUGE mixer. Princeton has one of the highest rates of intracollegiate marriage, right? And where do you think all those lovely couples in matching cashmere sweaters and Porsches met? On the Street? Negative. No one’s behavior on the Street shows the makings of a good spouse. Lecture is the place to be. So get up twenty minutes early to look good – it’s a worthwhile investment. Word to the wise: a really artful, Victoria’s Secret-inspired bed head is a solid choice.
  2. Choose extracurriculars.Having said, “GO TO CLASS,” let’s move on to your activities. You’re probably still deleting e-mails from mailing lists you signed up for the first week of school at the Activities Fair. By October, you were probably still deciding between anywhere between ten to fifteen groups. By November, you hopefully realized that was ludicrous and got it down to five until Winter Break.NEWS FLASH! With the exception of Tiger Magazine, there are really only a few worthwhile organizations on this campus (the Nass not being one of them.) Here’s how to go about selecting your five or less commitments. Get a good legitimate-interest to will-look-good-later ratio, I would advise 2:3.
  3. Be the captain of your Relations Ship.Finally, let’s talk about love. You’ve hopefully broken up with your high school/summer “last-forever, meant-to-be” fling by now. If you haven’t and your significant other lives over four hours away, dump him or her. Immediately. Do NOT pass Marquand. Do NOT go to the Street. Just get out your cellphone and do what you’ve got to do. For the less faint of heart, a Facebook wall post or revoking your “In A Relationship” status until it comes up in their Newsfeed will also get the job done.For those of you that were wise enough to come to college single, ended something in the past few months, or are cheating liars, here’s some insight.

Girls. If you haven’t figured it out, let me say it very clearly:

SENIOR GUYS WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU. They do NOT want to hold your hand. They do NOT want to meet your parents. They do NOT care about anything but the fact that you are nice-looking and possess a vagina. The long, deep, meaningful stares? He’s probably wondering what you look like naked. Or thinking about sports. Or hoagies. Still, 33% chance it’s sex. It will probably be a better investment of your time to find a nice sophomore or junior and keep your legs closed as long as you can.* Don’t forget, there’s also no better time to try some girl lovin’ on for size, what could it hurt? But make sure you video tape it, please.

And guys? This is your chance! The upperclass men are so busy chasing the freshmen girls that the older girls have nothing to do but wonder at the joys of cradle-robbing. Enjoy, and just cough whenever you feel your voice is about to crack.

*Not an English major; those rumors are true.

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