The Story of Snow White ’09

snowwhite… Continued from Tiger’s January 2007 issue

In the aftermath of Snow White ’09’s encounter with the (infinitely lethal) Paper of Infinite Cuts, the evil queen returned to her room to brood in her newly acquired hundred square feet of floor space. By all accounts, Snow White ’09 was done and disposed of – hadn’t her infinitesimal remains faded into the floor right before the evil queen’s eyes? So you can imagine the queen’s surprise when the door opened and none other than Snow White ’09 stepped into the room! The queen was shocked, too shocked even to respond to Snow White ’09’s completely naive “Hi!” How could she possibly have failed again? Damn grade deflation!!!

Snow White ’09’s evil step-roommate resolved that she would not give up. Having tasted the glory of that extra hundred square feet, she knew there would be no rest, no peace, no sprawling across the floor to watch Evil Jeopardy until Snow White ’09 was finally eliminated once and for all. (You’ll have to imagine the evil queen’s magical evil sound effect at this thought.)

Now, it was the tradition in those days among the kingdoms of the nearby Prospect Alliance to put on elaborate royal balls once a year – actually many times a year, but especially this once, for the express purpose of recruiting new subjects. The renown of these balls was so great that people from near and far, from high and low, from all across the land, would converge on the Prospect Alliance to socialize and commune, and sometimes they would even get a little tipsy doing so. Snow White ’09’s evil step-roommate began to think: not only would all the excitement provide a welcome distraction, but a tipsy Snow White ’09 be that much easier to do away with. So that was it, then; the Royal Recruiting Ball would be the setting for her perfect plan!

However, there was one hitch in this perfect plan, which the queen had until that moment failed to fully appreciate: Snow White ’09 was considering joining one of the sign-in kingdoms, which were much less prone to raucous royal balls and general tipsiness. But she was still unsure, and the her step-roommate lost no time in turning this opportunity to her advantage. She begged and implored Snow White ’09 not to settle for one of the “paltry” sign-in kingdoms, holding nothing back from her vast array of psychedelic mind-altering spells, and when it came time to make the choice that would determine the rest of her life, at least until graduation, Snow White ’09 succumbed to the evil queen’s influence and decided to bicker Tower Castle.

When the appointed day came and Snow White ’09 went out to the royal ball, she found her step-roommate behind the bar in the royal taproom. She asked for a glass of the kingdom’s finest cider, but the evil step-roommate told her, “Oh no, such a lovely princess deserves a lovely drink indeed,” and handed her the most beautiful bottle she had ever seen. The glass glistened perfectly, and the Smirnoff’s inside shown like the surface of the ocean at sunrise. Our heroine could not resist that beautiful Smirnoff’s, and she began to drink – nay! to chug – the contents of the incredible bottle. But alas for Snow White ’09, this would be her doom. The magic Smirnoff’s turned to ice in her throat, and she instantly fell into a deep coma. Her friends gathered around her body, and they began to construct a crystal coffin in which the beautiful princess could sleep. They laid her to rest, frozen, in the castle’s tallest tower, and cried as they left, believing they would never see her alive again.

But the next day, the prince in that castle was exploring the halls, seeking somewhere he could find a quiet moment of contemplation and JP writing. He went to that highest tower where Snow White ’09 had been sleeping, and he saw how beautiful she was, and fell in love with her at once. When he saw that his sleeping love was not breathing, he realized that this was the moment he had waited for all his life, when he could use the CPR training he had been required to take when he became his kingdom’s Social Chair. He found a pulse, and he reached down to Snow White ’09, gently, to examine her airway. When he saw that block of icy Smirnoff’s, he applied five (romantic) abdominal thrusts to dislodge the wicked drink. (For good measure, he may also have begun CPR before she awoke, but you didn’t hear that from us.) Snow White ’09 awoke instantly and grapsed the prince, who carried her down the stairs and into the cheering crowds who welcomed her into their membership, and they all lived happily ever after! Except the evil queen, who suffered a tragic concussion when her RA threw a copy of his thesis out the window.

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