Point/Counterpoint: Scientology’s Messiah Is Tom Cruise the Son of L. Ron Hubbard?

cruisehubbardL. Ron Hubbard Jr.: “I am the son of L. Ron Hubbard”

I’ve been dead for a few years now, but I’ve come back to settle the record with anyone who thinks that Tom Cruise is Scientology’s messiah – the son of L. Ron Hubbard sent down to save us all from such “evil forces” as Xenu, Brooke Shields, the Galactic Confederacy, psychiatry, and Matt Lauer.

How do I know you’re not his son, Tom? Because I am his son, you jackass. He passed his genes on to me, he’s listed as the father on my birth certificate, and, most importantly, he named me L. Ron Hubbard JUNIOR.

I understand if people think that Jesus, who had no father, is the son of God. But not only does my father already have children, none of whom are you, but also, YOU have a father: Thomas Mapother III!

Really, there is no basis for you to claim to have any relation to my father aside from believing the totally whacked-out theories he wrote down while drunk, wacked-out, and hopped-up on pills. You’re seriously crazy to even think that any of this is true, and I’m talking beyond Mel Gibson crazy, because at least he can blame alcohol for his statements. You, on the other hand, are totally sober yet still can’t find the slightest bit of irony in spending millions of dollars to gain privileged information and status in a religion that was founded by a man who infamously said, “I’d like to start a religion. That’s where the money is!”

So listen to me, you couch-jumping, placenta-eating, crooked-teeth-having nut job: you’re not a messiah; you’re a rich actor who gives a lot of money to a church that, after receiving millions from you, calls you a Messiah, the son of L. Ron Hubbard, and Hubbard reincarnate (even though you were born well before he died). Seriously, at least attempt to connect the dots, it’s not that hard to figure out what’s going on here.

Let me state this once and for all for the record: I, L. Ron Hubbard Junior, am the son of L. Ron Hubbard, whereas that douche bag Tom Cruise is not.

Unless, Tom, you decide to send me a check for several million dollars; then I’ll testify that you are whoever the hell you want to be.

Tom Cruise: “No, I am.”

Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron, you’re wrong. I AM the son of L. Ron Hubbard.

You don’t know the history of Scientology. I do. Take a look at the scripture: Hubbard’s prophecy, as related in the holy book Battlefield Earth, describes in great detail the rise of a man (Jonnie, or Jon which rhymes with TOM!) who conquers the evil and dictatorial “Catrists” (psychiatrists) and thereby saves the world.

Now, have you seen the Mission Impossible series? Clearly, I’m the man for the job. Tell me, what multi-million dollar epic world-saving films have you starred in recently?

So don’t you dare claim to be your father’s son. Unlike you, who denied Hubbard’s teachings, I have spent these past few years spreading His good word. Sure, I’ve been met with resistance, criticism and a South Park episode, but what great religious leader hasn’t? At least some people recognize my divinity, like John Travolta, Isaac Hayes, and the Japanese who named a holiday after me.

Still, some skeptics don’t get it. They argue that I’m “insane” or “wrong” or “unable to back up any of my assertions with facts,” but these points don’t prove anything. It’s like claiming that humanity didn’t come to this planet on DC-8s millions of years ago just because the premise sounds ridiculous, or that the E-meter is bullshit just because all scientific studies show that it doesn’t actually do anything. People like you have to stop listening to reason and start wondering whether “facts” are actually part of a massive conspiracy set up by psychiatrists to secure their stranglehold on mankind.

Let’s not get all caught up as to who has what DNA; you might very well be A son of Hubbard, but I am THE son, and I don’t care if you’ve “resurrected” yourself to come here and tell me otherwise.

I’ll close this by talking directly to the readers: two people here are claiming to be L. Ron Hubbard’s son – one is a sour, treacherous, and immoral man trying to destroy Hubbard’s great name, and the other starred in Top Gun and The Outsiders. Now, who are you going to believe?

I rest my case.

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