We are pleased to offer you admission to Princeton University’s class of 2011.
As we detail a few of the most significant University policies, we ask that you please refrain from allowing any of these formalities from diminishing your unbridled, and frankly, a little over-enthusiastic, jubilance upon your admission.
We are obligated to remind you that, given current conversion rates, annual tuition will total £100,000. Of course, one of our staff members can be assigned to handle the arduous task of purchasing your text books, Princeton apparel, and “cauldron.” (Or “micro-fridge,” as it is commonly called here.)
Regarding animals in the dormitories, we are required, in the interest of safety, to enforce rather strict rules. Though animals are technically allowed, any pets you choose to keep must be approved by a certified animal inspector, public safety, and are subject to a physical examination by President Tilghman. Additionally, Animagi may only transform into animals capable of being housed in a 1-gallon fish tank.
We’re sure that you are already aware of the campus’ strict honor code, which conveys a two-fold responsibility: you must swear an Unbreakable Oath against ever cheating on a Princeton exam, and promise to report any student who you observe performing an Unforgivable Curse. With these strictures in place, we can safely allow un-proctored exams at the conclusion of each course.
Relatedly, please, No Shenanigans! I cannot stress this enough. Your prior headmaster/headmistress has informed us of your penchant for chicanery, and I assure you that Princeton takes such charges very seriously. Should our Department of Public Safety discover that you have engaged in any activities which violate the Rights, Rules, and Responsibilities document, we will be forced to take action. Such violations include: dueling; Parseltongue; and the underage consumption of butterbeer. A first offense will result in a dean’s warning, which will neither be placed on your permanent record nor prevent you from fighting Voldemort.
Finally, let me say again that we are delighted to expect you next year; We are especially grateful that you will be contributing to our effort to enhance the Rocky College dining hall’s Gothic Feel, and bumping up enrollment into our newly subsidized gut QR courses. For your benefit, we will see about lifting Prof. Bhargava’s current ban on wand use in his “Magic of Numbers” course.
Dean of Admissions Janet Rapelye