Colonial’s Defense Letter

Dear Tiger,

I can only assume that you are going to mock Colonial’s recent “moloid reclam ation” and must preemptively express my distaste for your methods. This flagrant attempt by the mole people to steal Colonial from its rightful owners is appalling; we rightfully purchased the deed to the Colonial building over 100 hundre d years ago, paying the proper market value of sixty beads and a sweatshirt. To try and nullify that contract now is …barbaric! We can’t expect the invisible hand to pick our club up. We need help from everyone on campus. This is just the kind of cause that all you bleeding-heart satirists love to rally behind — who defends the rights of the uptrodden? Without help, however can we overcome diversity? Adversity. Damn it!

Pompous L. Fakename
President, Colonial Club

-DH

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