The Story of Snow White ’09

…Continued from Tiger’s September 2006 issue

The appointed day arrived for Snow White ’09 to return to her suite in the Kingdom of Wilson. While the evil queen looked on with a (classic) evil smirk, Snow White ’09 strolled into the room nonchalantly and introduced herself to her new roommate: “Hi, my name is Snow White ’09. Who are you?”

You might think that Snow White would dislike her wicked step-roommate, and despite that being a perfectly reasonable thought, it would also be perfectly wrong. Snow White ’09 was so innocent, and so tired from frolicking, that she completely overlooked the evil queen’s passive-aggressive (and evil) smirk.

She also overlooked the magic mirror on the wall (technically, the door), the shelf of sorcery texts from the U-Store, and the eye of newt resting in their micro-fridge. To Snow White ’09, it seemed that her step-roommate was perfectly normal and that the two of them could be the best of friends. Unfortunately for Snow White she was ever so wrong.

The evil step-roommate had crafted a plan to get back her beautiful room, and set her plan in motion one morning while Snow White ’09 slept. It is no surprise that the step-roommate had a number of sorcerous talents; her room held a number of mystical items passed down through her family (cough legacy cough), of which the magic talking mirror was only the first. In light of her new, more serious situation, the treacherous queen unpacked an ancient and fearsome weapon—an enchanted halogen lamp.

This magic lamp had been crafted out of dragon bones. Not the garden-variety dragon bones that can be found in PUDS meatloaf, of course; these had been specially procured from the royal dragon graveyard at Cannon Green. The lamp also contained a magical fire that could slowly but surely burn through anything in the world, no matter how strong. Stifling a cackle, the evil step-roommate set this halogen lamp on the floor, pointed it directly at the sleeping Snow White ’09, and vanished from the room.

It seemed that the beautiful Snow White ’09 was doomed to death by tanning, a grisly and odorous way to die. But fate and the Housing Department smiled on the princess that day, for there was a young man, a Fire Inspector of the Round Table, who came to her aid. This young man had sworn a mighty oath to wander the kingdom, protecting the innocent and righting all fire-safety-related wrongs. Like all Fire Inspectors, he had so finely tuned a sense for fire-safety-related evildoing that he could feel Snow White ’09’s plight from faraway MacMillian Castle where he had a small corner office.

The moment the evil queen switched on her magical halogen lamp, the Fire Inspector knew there was trouble afoot. Fearing he might be too late, he jumped on his trusty steed (read: golf cart) and rode as fast as he could to rescue Snow White ’09. He arrived at her room with not a moment to spare, barging heroically through her door just in time to save her milky complexion. He immediately confiscated the vile, enchanted lamp (for it just so happened that his oath included the confiscation of evil lamps) and issued a $25 fine to the step-roommate.

Truth be told, he issued a fine to Snow White ’09 as well, for although he knew that such a beautiful princess would not set an evil halogen lamp to shine on herself, the Fire Inspectors’ code says quite clearly, “Thou shalt not excuse any occupant of a Fire Inspected room,” and a Fire Inspector must follow the code or be doomed to eternal, ironic hellfire.

His duty done, the Fire Inspector left once more to wander in search of girls in fire-safety-related peril. Snow White ’09, meanwhile, missed most of these events; she was a surprisingly heavy sleeper, no matter what that trashy Princess and the Pea story implies.

When the evil queen returned from an evil seminar that night, she saw that her lamp was gone – but so was Snow White ’09. Uncertain what had happened, she turned to her magic mirror once again, as he would naturally have witnessed the entire affair.

Mirror, mirror, on the door

Is this a double anymore?

But the queen had forgotten to read the first installment of this story, in which she had thrown a shoe at the mirror, and in which the mirror planned revenge. With a mocking stare, the mirror told her,

You whiffed, my queen, I’m sad to say

Your roommate did not die today.

Many shoes were thrown that night.

To be continued…

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