Solar System Downsizing Prompts Plutonium’s Removal from Periodic Table

Plutonium responds
Plutonium responds

In response to last month’s announcement by the International Astronomical Union that Pluto was no longer a planet, IUPAC, the international group of chemists with a name too long to bother writing, has announced that plutonium will be removed from the periodic table.

“Any element whose nuclei can’t even be trusted to hold themselves together is clearly not worth its own NaCl,” said Mr. Wizard, spokesperson for IUPAC.

The announcement sparked criticism from nuclear activists, who pointed out that plutonium provides much-needed fuel useful for nuclear reactors and for “nuking the shit out of North Korea if they try anything stupid.”

But IUPAC was resolute. Wizard said, “It’s time to fix all the damage caused by including Pluto as a planet for the last 75 years. It’s abandoned us just like every other frigid bitch I’ve known — now it’s time to cut it from our photos and out of our elements.”

Pluto could not be reached for comment.

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